Pain and sorrow was the norm. Certain songs trigger my subconscious taking back to my childhood. The frequency of the engine immediately woke me knowing things were going to get bad fast. It’s 2:30 am, why do I know this? The bars close at 2:30. The door to my bedroom opens and the lights are turned on, never mind I have school in the morning. Though I would pretend to be asleep a slurring voice would bark “Hey where is that socket you lost six months ago?”. These type of episodes occurred from the time I could remember until the time I left home at eighteen.
I thought everybody lived like that only to find that households like that are not healthy and should not be passed down from generation to generation. I swore to myself that I would never treat my family like that, but times when I started to mimic similar behavior patterns like pops. I had to double down my efforts not carry that pain and sorrow forward. I wanted my family to be happy. Who doesn’t other than my pops.
There was much blame which stoked the fire of anger and frustration which would lead to more destructive behavior. Odd cycle to recognize then address. Pops was a nice guy when sober but a mean drunk. I was a mean drunk without drinking, go figure. I decided to do some research on pops life only to discover he had horrible experiences growing up. This discovery led me to believe most people do not want to be miserable and mean toward their loved ones, but when they only see damaged models of behavior they do what they know.
I decided to do some research on pop’s life and discovered he had horrible experiences growing up and he simply treated those he loved like those who were suppose to love him treated him. A bit confusing bus tread it slowly and it will make sense. I now appreciate pops’s determination to try and raise a family despite having damaged models to reference. I am now confident he did the best he could. Love one another because love covers over a multitude of sins.